Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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