Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
