The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize