At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
