The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
