guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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