Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
