new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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