You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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