So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
