Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
