Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
