yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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