I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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