so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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