Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
