Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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