I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
