no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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