its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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