He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
