I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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