And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
