he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I love you. Go after that dick
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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