turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
