I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
