I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize