You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
