You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
