and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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