So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
