I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
