you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
