My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
