I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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