dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
