No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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