just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
