The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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