Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
