He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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