Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
