i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
