On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
