i was born a porn star she said
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Drake has all the answers
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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