Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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