I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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