So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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