I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
