thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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