I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
