If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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