i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
