my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize