the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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