Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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