she woke up with a sticky ear
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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