I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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