i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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