6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
