Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
