What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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