xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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