She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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