"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
