please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize