We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
