He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
