it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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